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| Handling Anger & Conflict |
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This section of our website will be devoted to sharing questions and answers that readers have regarding situations that they have encountered in their lives. It will provide information to those who submit questions and receive answers, as well as to readers who find themselves in similar situations.
How do you decide when to let something go or deal with it? CT-Purchase, N.Y.
If you choose to deal with the issue straight out there are two goals to accomplish. The first is to tell the other person how his or her actions made you feel. The second is to let this person know the effect this action had on you.
One way to accomplish this objective is to use the "I Statement."
Example
"I felt angry (your feeling) when you yelled at me in front of other people(the behavior) because (the reason for the feeling) it embarrassed me.
This method allows you to express your feeling without blaming the other person and causing more problems between the two of you. It also gives the other person the opportunity to understand what’s going on that caused problems between you and them. Many times this person may not realize the effect of their words or behavior had on you. This approach may help to prevent this person from acting like this again.
Even if this person doesn’t seem to understand why you are upset, or seem to care, you’ve given yourself the chance to let your feelings out rather than let them build up inside of you.
If you don’t deal with the situation, you may find that it effects your attitude, not only towards the person who caused the feeling in you, but also to other people you care about.
How do you help yourself get ready for dealing with a situation that you know will stress you and the other person out? TA-Rye, N.Y.
Before entering such a situation you need to be able to think about what you are going to say rather than just rushing into it when you are upset.
The key to getting yourself ready for such a tense situation is to make yourself feel as relaxed as you can. One way to loosen yourself up is o take five deep breaths and shake your hands and body. Another way to reach this state of calm is to think of something or someone who makes you smile, of a really pleasant experience that you have had, or a place that made you feel relaxed (Visualizing or having a picture of yourself at a beach, in the country surrounded by swaying trees, feeling a soft breeze, while laying on a blanket looking up at the sky). Some people like to listen to music.
How do you deal with people who won’t listen to what you have to say even if you know what you are telling them is good for them? GB-Rye, N.Y.
If someone doesn’t want to hear what you have to say or listen to your advice, just leave it be. The only thing that you can do is accept that the other person’s way of thinking is different from yours and they aren’t interested in hearing other ideas. Pushing your beliefs or ideas on others does nothing for your relationship with them except make things more difficult between you and they. Accepting the way the other individual thinks or believes about something says to them, “I respect your thinking. It may be different from the way I think or feel, but it’s okay. This shows respect for the other person and will go along way toward keeping your relationship with them secure.
You have a problem and want to talk about it with another person. All that you want from the other person is for them to listen to you. However, they keep giving you advice and try to help you to solve your problem. You get more frustrated and don’t listen to what they are telling you to do. This person becomes angry with you because you are not going to follow their advice. What do you do? PF-New City, N.Y.
This is a really common situation to many people of all ages. Before beginning to tell this other person about the problem you are having, tell them straight out that all you want from this person is for them to listen to you. It is what you need and want at this point. This is something teens related to me as a high school guidance counselor remarking, "All I want is my mother to listen to me. I don’t want her advice."
Another way to handle this situation is to cut the other person off when they are trying to give you advice or criticize you, and tell them that all you want from them is to get what’s bothering you off your chest.
The same is true when someone comes to you with their problem. When they come to you, ask them whether they want your opinion or advice, or just want you to listen to what they have to say.
Letting people know directly what you want from them is a great way of being able to really feel comfortable talking to others and having them feel easy about talking with you. It also prevents misunderstanding and allows you both to speak freely without receiving unwanted advice or criticism.
If you have questions about situations or people in your lives and would like some ideas about dealing with them feel free to send them to, peacefulyouth422@yahoo.com.
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